Four years later I became pregnant again (still in my state of rebellion) but was pretty turned off to even considering an abortion. (I had dropped out of college and was living in an apartment one state away from my parents home). I made the decision to raise this child growing inside of me. I was very much supported in this decision by my friends and brother who had moved up to the same town to set up a print shop. But my relatives did not support this decision at first--they wanted me to consider putting the little one up for adoption. (I had this child at a Stephen Gaskin farm in Ettrick, Wisconsin. It was an offshoot of THE FARM in Summertown, Tennessee. Spiritual Midwifery, a book they wrote, turned me on to The Farm and how they help bring babies into the world.)

My pregnancy was a very positive experience for me and the birth experience was pretty incredible. Gil is seven, almost eight years old today, and we've certainly been thru a lot together.

Circumstances leading up to my second abortion were pretty ugly. I had been living with a man on this farm (sort of a communal scene) we had been co-parenting raising Gil from 8 months old on up to four years. At the time I became pregnant with his child I learned that he had been seeing another woman and had a sexual relationship with her. (Our relationship was going from bad to worse even before she had entered the scene.)

After I learned what was really going on between them, I was completely smashed. I was in no condition to make a good decision about anything. The only thing I could think of was how to ease my burden so I made the decision to have an abortion. He did not want me to have one--he wanted to father a child. But I didn't want to have a child especially under these conditions. I hated him and men for a long while after that. He came with me to have the abortion--it was harder on him than me at that time.

The second abortion wasn't as hard as the first. A short slide presentation was shown--"Any questions?"--then we went thru the operation. It wasn't very painful and I felt really relieved that it was over with. I just tucked it away.

I really wanted to move out of the area and start over, so after about one and a half years later I finally had enough money so Gil and I moved from the cold of Minnesota to the Santa Fe, N.M. area. I moved into a little house twenty-five miles south of Santa Fe.

I had the idea when I was driving down that I really wanted to find a spiritual family. Inside I felt like I was dying and had some pretty big holes in my being that needed healing. I was on the bottom of the Pit, or close to it. I realized that I couldn't make it alone--there had to be something else, and that was Jesus. I met the good Lord Jesus Christ 3 or 4 months after moving to New Mexico. I never really knew all the facts about abortion until the pastor in my church in Albuquerque spoke it and distributed some pro-life literature. I sat there and cried and was overcome with grief over those two babies I had killed.

A few days later, I went to the pro-life office and learned about a WEBA chapter just starting. I started attending meetings and had some inner healing prayer done for my two abortions. During these session, I actually relived the abortions in my mind but this time it was with the great healer Jesus. (He was there all the time even during the actual time I had them!) I gave them both to him to take care of till I can be with them in God's Kingdom. He has also done much healing in the area of being able to accept, love, and forgive myself. I know now that the only way you can be totally healed from an abortion (physically, mentally, and spiritually) is thru Him.

I know that the road I picked before I knew Him was wrong, sinful, ugly and deadly. But that old person I was is dead now and Glory be to Him that now I am a new creation thru Him! He has done wonders with Gil, too.

I feel thru my experience I would really like to minister to other women if they are considering having abortions or have already had one. Also, I want to help get the facts out about the abortion issue. I want to educate people about the sad things that are happening because of it being legalized.

Before I met Jesus, I was for abortion because I thought women should be in charge of their bodies. I had managed to hide away a lot of hurt and pain from my own abortions for a long time, but the cost in other areas of my life was too much. I wasn't really free of my past until Jesus brought it out and I buried it at his feet.

Well, I hope this might be helpful to you -- It's a lot to read but it's been a long hard road that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Originally published in The PostAbortion Review 5(4), Fall 1997.